Party of Four

Hello Friends! It's been a long time since I've written a blog and I apologize for the lapse. A lot has gone on in our journey and we were waiting for the right time to share with all of you that all of our struggle and prayers have paid off. Our family of two will grow to a family of four early next year via our gestational carrier, Eric and I are expecting TWINS!!!
We have made it safely through our first trimester and are beyond thrilled to be able to share it with all of you amazing people who have been there with support, encouragement and love throughout this long and emotional journey.
I look forward to telling you all more about it and about our beautiful carrier and her amazing family. More to come very soon!
Thank you again so much for all of your support, it has helped Eric and I through the tough times of this experience and keep in perspective that everything we go through is worth it.

Hey, Soul Sister

Closer and closer we approach our ultimate goal on our journey to parenthood! Eric and I have our gestational carrier, she and her husband are very graciously on board to help us bring Baby Saint home and have blessed us with their sacrifice and the gift of carrying Baby Saint.
If only it was as easy as, we found her, let's get her pregnant! But, unfortunately, it's not that easy. Although, ultimately "unfortunately" probably isn't the right word. We had to complete several different steps, both together and separately, to be certain that everyone is on the same page and that we are all mentally and emotionally as prepared as we can be.
One of those steps was completed today. Psychological evaluations/consultations. Eric and I met with Dr. Crone together, our carrier and her husband met with her together and today, all four of us met with her. The goal of these appointments is to make sure that we are all on the page about different issues that may or may not come up during the pregnancy. Emotional issues, medical issues, legal issues, you name it! Thankfully, we were all pretty much on the same page with almost everything. Next step, meeting with lawyers and drawing up a contract to protect everybody involved. We anticipate that to be the easiest part ;-)
I've never been someone who is skilled or comfortable with expressing her vulnerable emotions. It doesn't come naturally to me and even though my husband has helped me to improve on this, it's still an area that I struggle in. But it's important that our carrier and her husband know how much love and gratitude Eric and I have for them. It's easy for our loved ones who meet her to get excited at the idea of her carrying Baby Saint and love on her but it's important to me that the husbands not get lost in this. Our carriers husband is just as valuable and generous and amazing as she is and his support has been unwavering and humbling.
The friendship between the four of us grows every day and everyone might not agree with me, which is fine, but I believe God put me on a path that put this beautiful woman and her wonderful husband in my life. And I thank them, Eric and I both thank them, for all that they have already done and all that they are willing to do for us.
Right now we are respecting her privacy, which is my idea more than hers, so I won't name names just yet but some of you have had the pleasure of meeting her. Once our chickens have hatched, we will count them! Currently there's nothing to tell but once there is, our world will be introduced to the woman who is changing our lives and her husband who is supporting her and us every step of the way.

Overdue Update

I have been slacking with my posts guys and I am so sorry! So much has gone on and I hope I can keep it all straight for you. 

First, we got through all of the injections and medications pretty much without a hitch. I only suffered two bruises (one courtesy of my husband and another thanks to a newbie phlebotomist) and minimal mood swings. I definitely started to feel like a pin cushion because they needed us to go for blood draws every week and ultrasounds almost every time to keep track of the egg production. 

After a few weeks of medications we did go in for an egg retrieval at Baystate. I deal with IV sedation patients at my job fairly regularly and it is definitely different on the other side of things, I have a whole new appreciation for patients stress when they come in now! I've never been sedated and was very nervous about it. But the nurses and doctors were all super nice and informative (plus I told the anesthesiologist that I'm friends with his colleague so he better be on point!) and they made me feel more comfortable. The whole thing from walking in to walking out took a few hours. In addition to their typical "route of retrieval" let's call it, they had to inject a needle into my abdomen to access one of my ovaries so needless to say, I was sore for a couple days. They were able to retrieve over twenty eggs from my ovaries, which is a great result! Fertilizing the eggs took about a week and the lab called us with updates every few days. Ultimately we were able to freeze a dozen embryos so it was definitely a success!

In the midst of all the injections, we held a benefit to help us raise funds to offset the costs associated with IVF. Baby Saint Car Show was a very humbling experience, so many of our friends and family came out to show support. People donated food, raffle prizes, trophies for the car show, all of the fellas who brought their cars to be a part of the car show and our wonderful face painter who donated her time and talent. 

Some cars from the show, our trophies and our lovely face painter

Thank you to everyone who helped organize the event, thank you to everyone who helped set up and break down the room, thank you to everyone who donated raffle prizes and food, thank you to everyone who helped sell tickets, thank you to everyone who bought tickets, thank you to everyone who came to the benefit, thank you to everyone who asked if we needed anything, thank you to everyone who asked how the night went. Eric and I were and continue to be overcome with gratitude and appreciation and we will never be able to thank you enough.

Thank you to all the raffle prize donors!

Thank you to all of our cooks!

Things have slowed down but our journey is far from over. In a perfect world, Baby Saint will be here by 2017 but don't count the chickens yet! The superstitious Italian in me does not want to get excited until there is a little baby in a belly, but I'm so happy with how things have gone so far and remain positive and hopeful for the future.

As always, I thank you for your support and your love, it is more meaningful to me then I could ever express and it really makes this whole journey that much easier to navigate through.

Thank You

I'm terrible at thanking people for sentimental gestures. I am awful at expressing my feelings when it comes to vulnerability, if I'm angry or happy, you'll know it no problem. But if I'm touched by a persons actions, I have a hard time putting that into words. I don't know why but I think I've always been like that. 

That's why this particular blog was important for me to write. The donations that have been made to our Baby Saint Fund, whether it has been friends hosting online parties and donating a portion of the sales, friends and family members sending us donations in the mail or everyone who has donated on our GoFundMe page that our close friend so kindly created, all of these donations have been received with love and appreciation and we are truly humbled. The fact that people have taken it upon themselves to be involved in our journey and do everything in their power to help us reach our goal, there are not enough words to thank you all and to thank you properly. 

Hopefully you feel our gratitude though us sharing our journey. Letting you know what we're going through and how we're feeling. Even though it's not always going to be easy, it's not always going to be pretty, I promise to always share honestly.

With that in mind, we are hopefully setting things in motion to begin our IVF process, more than just talking and planning. We have an appointment with our doctor to sign consents and we have a LONG list of questions for her.  Every time we go to the doctor, all of our questions go out of our heads, so we're making a list! We're doing some bloodwork and other analysis tests. We attended an IVF overview class that I'll tell you all about in a separate blog. Other than that, I'm not sure how things will progress, but as soon as I find out, so will you!

The financial responsibilities that come along with IVF belong to no one but my husband and I. That being said, to all of you who have donated and supported us, and who continue to support us, please know that when we finally (finally!) become a family of three, Baby Saint will know that before they even existed, they were loved and they were cherished. 

Thank you, as always, for following along our journey. ❤️

Lean On E

How do people get through the hard times? Through heartbreak, through stress, through any trial or tribulation? I get through those things with support from the people that I love. So my post today is about one person who stands beside me through it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. My husband. 

As a woman, knowing that I'm unable to become pregnant is devastating to say the least. I question why my body has failed me, does this make me less of a woman. I feel shame, sadness and so many other emotions. But my husband remains beside me, never judging me, never making me feel anything less than exactly what he wants. 

Eric has known that I would never be pregnant since before we started dating. He was, and still is (!), my best friend. I trusted him and I wanted his honest answer, which he always gives me. I asked him if he would ever be with someone who couldn't have kids. He answered yes without hesitation. Did we know then that we were talking about our future selves? I don't know, maybe somewhere deep in our subconscious we knew that we would be together for the long haul.

If you know Eric, you know he's about as laid back as they come. Not much phases him, not much upsets him, but he is passionate and he is honest. He loves with his head and his heart. He wants to fix everything, sometimes when I'm in my feelings about our situation, he wants to fix it because he hates seeing me upset. He doesn't understand that just listening and loving me, that's all the fixing I need. 

Most times, people just need you to be there, to sit next to them and tell them you love them and that you're here for whatever they need. 

As far as our journey, hopefully we will have more to share soon! Next step is an overview/informational class on the IVF process and we're hoping to attend that within the next couple weeks! Then some lab work and fun stuff like that. Please continue to read and continue to share, you never know who can relate to our story!

Say What?

When you first learn that someone you know struggles with infertility, what do you say?

I've realize that no one has any idea what to say! And that's ok! I am a woman who struggles with infertility and I have no idea what you should say.

Some people are good when it comes to knowing what to say in awkward moments or situations. Personally, I'm not usually that type of person. Since sharing my journey with the world, I have heard and read many words of support and encouragement. But it has also struck me that sometimes, when people don't know what to say, they sometimes say the wrong thing. Understandable but it gave me the idea to come up with a few DO's and DON'Ts to help people who may encounter a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Keep in mind, I've heard all of these things and none of them offend me, I sympathize with the fact that people are at a loss sometimes. Also keep in mind, if you read something you've said to me, you are one of many so this is not meant to guilt trip anyone. 

DO offer support. This is invaluable, whatever way you're comfortable supporting your loved one, a text, a phone call, a short conversation, a long conversation, I can tell you it means the absolute world to know that people are rooting for you and your dream. Support is necessary and appreciated in any capacity that it is given.

DO ask how you can help. Some people are too proud to take the help and some people are itching for the offer, but it is always uplifting to know that people want to help.

DO research online. Find out more information! Google is your friend, the information is out there and we need to be educated, infertility effects so many women but is so rarely discussed and because of that has become a taboo topic, we're changing that right now, you and me.

DON'T tell her she's "lucky." No morning sickness, no labor pains, no pregnancy complications. I can't tell you how many people have said this to me, and it's fine, I get it, what else can you say? But we're not lucky, we're devastated, we're heartbroken. Do you know what I would give to have morning sickness, to know the pain of labor? Maybe people think that it's easy for me to say that because I've never been through it. But as a woman who wants children, and not all women do, to have that option be unavailable to you, you ache to feel these things.   

DON'T tell her that doctors aren't always right. Yes, some women have been told they will never carry a child, and then miraculously get pregnant, but every fertility issue is different. My situation is definitive, my body is unable to carry a child. So hearing that only reminds us of our struggle. You never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are, and having people tell you "don't give up" is frustrating. I haven't given up, I am realistic about my situation and my options.

DON'T tell her about your sisters friends husbands mother who struggled with infertility too. Unless you have struggled with fertility issues yourself, you can't relate. Watching someone close to you go through it and you personally going through it are vastly different. I love seeing my friends and family grow their families, it doesn't make me sad, it doesn't make me bitter, but don't try to relate to my struggle if you can't, that's okay!

At the end of the day, people are going to say what they're going to say, and ultimately we appreciate the intent behind it. Remember the DO's and don't stress the DON'Ts because at the end of the day, your support is all we need, all we want and all we can be is grateful and blessed to have it.

If you'd like to show Eric and I some support, our good friend has set up a GoFundMe account to help us raise funds to offset the costs of the IVF and gestational carrier. GoFundMe is a great way to raise funds, it's easy and safe! You can click HERE to check it out and donate if you're able.

Hopefully we will have more news and progress to share with you after the holidays. Until then, Happy New Year and thanks for reading!

With a Little Help from My Friends

Opening up to people can be one of the scariest things you will encounter. When you open your heart and your vulnerabilities up to people, you never know what you'll be given in return. Will people judge me? Will they think differently of me? Will they feel bad for me? I don't want any of these things!

What I have been given in this short time is love, compassion, solidarity and support. People have offered their similar experiences, they have offered their time and a shoulder to lean on. Some have suggested ways to ease the financial burden and some have even offered money from their own pockets. All of these offerings are received with humility and gratitude and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The process of having a child through IVF and a gestational carrier is an arduous one. With insurance coverage, the cost can be steep. Without insurance coverage, which is what my husband and I face, the cost can be astronomical. And the financial hardships are just one aspect of it! So to have people taking time out of their lives to offer me help and ideas, eases the burden a bit.

That being said, a good friend of mine has recently signed on as a Younique Consultant, and she has generously offered to host an online party with 15% of the sales donated to our Baby Saint Fund! You can click here to see our party page and shop the products. You can also click here to view the Facebook event page.

Younique is known for the 3D fiber lashes which lengthens lashes by 300%  and is made from all natural ingredients. It is the MUST have product of the season! Younique products are paraben free, carcinogen free, chemical free, organic, cruelty free, gluten free and hypoallergenic...and amazing! I can personally vouch for the 3D lashes and the amazing effect they have, and I am a total lash girl!

Please check out the site and help ease our financial burden, every little bit is a huge help. And you get fabulous makeup to boot!

A dependable support system is absolutely necessary to get through the trials and heartache of infertility and your "road to baby." No one likes to talk about these kinds of things, myself included, but we need to. Infertility is an issue that many women can relate to and it's not something that we should be ashamed of. I thank you all for your kind words, your thoughtful gestures and your continued support.