Thank You

I'm terrible at thanking people for sentimental gestures. I am awful at expressing my feelings when it comes to vulnerability, if I'm angry or happy, you'll know it no problem. But if I'm touched by a persons actions, I have a hard time putting that into words. I don't know why but I think I've always been like that. 

That's why this particular blog was important for me to write. The donations that have been made to our Baby Saint Fund, whether it has been friends hosting online parties and donating a portion of the sales, friends and family members sending us donations in the mail or everyone who has donated on our GoFundMe page that our close friend so kindly created, all of these donations have been received with love and appreciation and we are truly humbled. The fact that people have taken it upon themselves to be involved in our journey and do everything in their power to help us reach our goal, there are not enough words to thank you all and to thank you properly. 

Hopefully you feel our gratitude though us sharing our journey. Letting you know what we're going through and how we're feeling. Even though it's not always going to be easy, it's not always going to be pretty, I promise to always share honestly.

With that in mind, we are hopefully setting things in motion to begin our IVF process, more than just talking and planning. We have an appointment with our doctor to sign consents and we have a LONG list of questions for her.  Every time we go to the doctor, all of our questions go out of our heads, so we're making a list! We're doing some bloodwork and other analysis tests. We attended an IVF overview class that I'll tell you all about in a separate blog. Other than that, I'm not sure how things will progress, but as soon as I find out, so will you!

The financial responsibilities that come along with IVF belong to no one but my husband and I. That being said, to all of you who have donated and supported us, and who continue to support us, please know that when we finally (finally!) become a family of three, Baby Saint will know that before they even existed, they were loved and they were cherished. 

Thank you, as always, for following along our journey. ❤️

Never Lose Sight of Your Victory

Do you have a hero? 

We all have a hero, don't we? Whether it's a fictional character like Superman or Batman. Or if it's a historical figure like Dr. King or Mother Teresa. Someone that we idolize from a distance and connect with on a level we don't understand sometimes. Someone whose memory and story drives us to persevere. 

I was lucky enough to know my hero. To not only watch him grow up but to grow up with him. To see him turn from a short, outspoken middle schooler to a kind, responsible, loving, strong (and very tall) man, husband and father. 

My hero fought a battle that many would have quickly lost. One which many would have allowed to swallow them up into despair. But my hero never faltered. His strength, his faith in God and himself, never faltered. 

I'm blessed to be able to call my hero my friend as well. Not a best friend, but a constant and true friend. 

One year ago today, my hero became my angel. Whenever I want to feel sorry for myself, whenever I want to give up on myself, I remember him. I remember how he never felt sorry for himself. His bravery. His capacity to love and forgive. I regret not sharing my story sooner because I truly would love to hear what his thoughts are on our journey. But he is with me, I carry him with my every day. He has inspired me to be a better and stronger person. I am forever indebted to him for that. 

I miss you Colb, I promise to never lose sight of my victory.  💙💛💙

Lean On E

How do people get through the hard times? Through heartbreak, through stress, through any trial or tribulation? I get through those things with support from the people that I love. So my post today is about one person who stands beside me through it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. My husband. 

As a woman, knowing that I'm unable to become pregnant is devastating to say the least. I question why my body has failed me, does this make me less of a woman. I feel shame, sadness and so many other emotions. But my husband remains beside me, never judging me, never making me feel anything less than exactly what he wants. 

Eric has known that I would never be pregnant since before we started dating. He was, and still is (!), my best friend. I trusted him and I wanted his honest answer, which he always gives me. I asked him if he would ever be with someone who couldn't have kids. He answered yes without hesitation. Did we know then that we were talking about our future selves? I don't know, maybe somewhere deep in our subconscious we knew that we would be together for the long haul.

If you know Eric, you know he's about as laid back as they come. Not much phases him, not much upsets him, but he is passionate and he is honest. He loves with his head and his heart. He wants to fix everything, sometimes when I'm in my feelings about our situation, he wants to fix it because he hates seeing me upset. He doesn't understand that just listening and loving me, that's all the fixing I need. 

Most times, people just need you to be there, to sit next to them and tell them you love them and that you're here for whatever they need. 

As far as our journey, hopefully we will have more to share soon! Next step is an overview/informational class on the IVF process and we're hoping to attend that within the next couple weeks! Then some lab work and fun stuff like that. Please continue to read and continue to share, you never know who can relate to our story!

Say What?

When you first learn that someone you know struggles with infertility, what do you say?

I've realize that no one has any idea what to say! And that's ok! I am a woman who struggles with infertility and I have no idea what you should say.

Some people are good when it comes to knowing what to say in awkward moments or situations. Personally, I'm not usually that type of person. Since sharing my journey with the world, I have heard and read many words of support and encouragement. But it has also struck me that sometimes, when people don't know what to say, they sometimes say the wrong thing. Understandable but it gave me the idea to come up with a few DO's and DON'Ts to help people who may encounter a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Keep in mind, I've heard all of these things and none of them offend me, I sympathize with the fact that people are at a loss sometimes. Also keep in mind, if you read something you've said to me, you are one of many so this is not meant to guilt trip anyone. 

DO offer support. This is invaluable, whatever way you're comfortable supporting your loved one, a text, a phone call, a short conversation, a long conversation, I can tell you it means the absolute world to know that people are rooting for you and your dream. Support is necessary and appreciated in any capacity that it is given.

DO ask how you can help. Some people are too proud to take the help and some people are itching for the offer, but it is always uplifting to know that people want to help.

DO research online. Find out more information! Google is your friend, the information is out there and we need to be educated, infertility effects so many women but is so rarely discussed and because of that has become a taboo topic, we're changing that right now, you and me.

DON'T tell her she's "lucky." No morning sickness, no labor pains, no pregnancy complications. I can't tell you how many people have said this to me, and it's fine, I get it, what else can you say? But we're not lucky, we're devastated, we're heartbroken. Do you know what I would give to have morning sickness, to know the pain of labor? Maybe people think that it's easy for me to say that because I've never been through it. But as a woman who wants children, and not all women do, to have that option be unavailable to you, you ache to feel these things.   

DON'T tell her that doctors aren't always right. Yes, some women have been told they will never carry a child, and then miraculously get pregnant, but every fertility issue is different. My situation is definitive, my body is unable to carry a child. So hearing that only reminds us of our struggle. You never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are, and having people tell you "don't give up" is frustrating. I haven't given up, I am realistic about my situation and my options.

DON'T tell her about your sisters friends husbands mother who struggled with infertility too. Unless you have struggled with fertility issues yourself, you can't relate. Watching someone close to you go through it and you personally going through it are vastly different. I love seeing my friends and family grow their families, it doesn't make me sad, it doesn't make me bitter, but don't try to relate to my struggle if you can't, that's okay!

At the end of the day, people are going to say what they're going to say, and ultimately we appreciate the intent behind it. Remember the DO's and don't stress the DON'Ts because at the end of the day, your support is all we need, all we want and all we can be is grateful and blessed to have it.

If you'd like to show Eric and I some support, our good friend has set up a GoFundMe account to help us raise funds to offset the costs of the IVF and gestational carrier. GoFundMe is a great way to raise funds, it's easy and safe! You can click HERE to check it out and donate if you're able.

Hopefully we will have more news and progress to share with you after the holidays. Until then, Happy New Year and thanks for reading!

With a Little Help from My Friends

Opening up to people can be one of the scariest things you will encounter. When you open your heart and your vulnerabilities up to people, you never know what you'll be given in return. Will people judge me? Will they think differently of me? Will they feel bad for me? I don't want any of these things!

What I have been given in this short time is love, compassion, solidarity and support. People have offered their similar experiences, they have offered their time and a shoulder to lean on. Some have suggested ways to ease the financial burden and some have even offered money from their own pockets. All of these offerings are received with humility and gratitude and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The process of having a child through IVF and a gestational carrier is an arduous one. With insurance coverage, the cost can be steep. Without insurance coverage, which is what my husband and I face, the cost can be astronomical. And the financial hardships are just one aspect of it! So to have people taking time out of their lives to offer me help and ideas, eases the burden a bit.

That being said, a good friend of mine has recently signed on as a Younique Consultant, and she has generously offered to host an online party with 15% of the sales donated to our Baby Saint Fund! You can click here to see our party page and shop the products. You can also click here to view the Facebook event page.

Younique is known for the 3D fiber lashes which lengthens lashes by 300%  and is made from all natural ingredients. It is the MUST have product of the season! Younique products are paraben free, carcinogen free, chemical free, organic, cruelty free, gluten free and hypoallergenic...and amazing! I can personally vouch for the 3D lashes and the amazing effect they have, and I am a total lash girl!

Please check out the site and help ease our financial burden, every little bit is a huge help. And you get fabulous makeup to boot!

A dependable support system is absolutely necessary to get through the trials and heartache of infertility and your "road to baby." No one likes to talk about these kinds of things, myself included, but we need to. Infertility is an issue that many women can relate to and it's not something that we should be ashamed of. I thank you all for your kind words, your thoughtful gestures and your continued support.

What's Next?

Well it's been a while since my first blog! It took some time for me to gain the courage to share it with the world, in particular the beautiful people in my personal world, but you guys did not disappoint! Thank you for all your love and support.

So what's next? From what I can understand a lot of doctors appointments, a lot of financial planning and A LOT of emotions, and that's just for staters. We've started with the doctors appointments, the team at Baystates Infertility Clinic has come highly recommended by both friends and doctors and we will hopefully be getting to know them very well. 

To let you know a little bit about our story, my husband and I are capable of having a child who is 100% biologically ours, but I am not capable of carrying that child. We count our blessings that if and when we are ready to find a gestational carrier, that baby will be completely genetically ours. A gestational carrier differs from a traditional surrogate in that she has no genetic relation to the baby, she will be carrying a child who is a little bit of me and a little bit of my husband. What a beautiful possibility, isn't it?

It's an ongoing struggle as a woman to find peace with the fact that you will never bear your own child. I've spent the better part of my life being sad and bitter about it. But now, with the help of my husband and family, and all of you reading this blog, I move towards accepting that fact and focusing instead on getting what we want, which is a family, so I guess that's what's next!

Baby Steps

When I got married four years ago, my husband and I knew we wanted to have a family, that we wanted to be parents. We also knew that it wouldn't be simple and that it wouldn't be easy. There wouldn't be any surprise pregnancies, there wouldn't be any pregnancies. I found out when I was in high school that I would never know the blessing of being pregnant but that never stopped me from dreaming about being a mother. And now that I'm older, as I watch my friends and loved ones expand their families, my heart aches for that same joy. This is something that I rarely, if ever, discuss with anyone so it's surprising, even to me, that I have started a blog to document this adventure of ours. But it's something that is a part of life, something that a lot of women and their husbands can relate to. And it's something that I shouldn't continue to keep hidden away like dirty laundry. My husband and I recently decided to take the first steps (BabySteps you could say 😊) towards growing our family and I'm so excited to share what's to come with all of you. My pain, my joy, my questions and (hopefully!) some answers.